Josephine's Justice
by jonnyboy17
Summary: I've updated! YAY! Chapter 3 is up, and more to come after that.
1. Arrival of Orphans

**Okay, this is a story on Aunt Josephine. She's so cool. Here's a little story on about when the Bauds were with her. Enjoy!**

As I sat in my library, lecturing the Baudelaires on grammar, I thought of what they were thinking. They must have been bored to death.

"Aunt Josephine," Klaus said, yawning, "when can we go to bed?"

"Klaus!" I scolded. "We can always go to bed, but we won't always know what sounds like it! Now, repeat after me: _a homophone is a word that sounds like another, but has a different meaning_."

Violet said, "Aunt Josephine, he's just tired. But so are we. Can we please go to bed, and discuss homophones in the morning?"

"Oh no," I said, folding my arms. "You children haven't been in school for a long time. Now, when I was younger, I went to a good school called Prufrock Preparatory. It's a boarding school, and very high-skilled in grammar."

"Napired!" Sunny shrieked.

"No, no, Sunny," I said, frowning. "You're supposed to say, 'that's sounds like a very interesting school', not 'napire!' Goodness me, you three children need good grammar lessons. And yes, you may go to bed."

"Good night," Violet and Klaus said as they walked to their bedrooms. "Evenleep!" Sunny said.

"Sunny," I said crossly, "it's 'good night', not 'evenleep'! We'll continue in the morning."

I walked into the kitchen and was about to get a little more chilled cucumber soup when the phone rang.

I jumped back in surprise and held a hand to my heart.

I remembered how Ike had almost always answered the telephone. He was my husband, my best friend, and partner in grammar.

Everything had happened so quickly to his death. I could remember it just like yesterday as we were heading down to Lake Lachrymose for a swim:

_"Oh Josephine, don't be afraid," Ike said, stretching before peeling off his shirt._

_"But Ike, you've just eaten," I protested. "Shouldn't you wait at least an hour?"_

_"One banana won't make a difference," he said, trying to reassure me._

_"But the smell of banana is still on you," I argued. "And the Lachrymose leeches hadn't been very gracious in the department of letting their food-scented prey pass them up."_

_"Haven't been," Ike corrected, kicking off his flip-flops._

_"What?" I asked._

_"You said 'hadn't been,'" he explained. "That is not grammatically correct. You should have said, 'haven't been."_

_I watched him prepare to dive, and a leech head popped out of the water, staring straight at Ike._

_Unfortunately, Ike didn't notice; he was too busy practicing his diving stance._

_"Ike!" I cried. "The leeches are-"_

_He dove right in, and everything was silent for a moment._

_"See?" Ike said, making wading moves with his arms. "There's nothing to be sca-"_

_A leech sprung out of the water and attached itself to Ike's neck._

_"Ike! Ike!" I screamed, waving my umbrella about, trying to attract someone's help._

_The leech's blood-sucking attack turned Ike's skin a pale white, and he screamed bloody murder._

_Blood dribbled down his neck, and several other leeches attacked him as well, on his stomach, back, arms, legs, and head._

_Ike was viciously torn apart, in a bloody mess. The last I saw was a leech severe his head, and he disappeared beneath the water._

_I cried and cried for days, but little comfort came._

When the phone finally stopped ringing, I saw a dark shadow hurry around a corner. "Aaaaaaaaaaahh!" I screamed.

It was Violet. She was wearing her pajamas and was barefoot.

"Aunt Josephine, what's going on?" she asked.

"Oh, it's just you, Violet," I said, calming down a bit. "I thought you were a burglar."

"Aunt Josephine, if it calms you down a bit, I doubt anyone would want to come into a house at the top of a hill about one hundred or so feet above a leech-infested lake at the risk of drowning or being eaten," Violet said. "Besides, we can always keep the phone nearby to call the police."

"I never thought of it that way," I said, reconsidering the whole burglar idea. "The Lake Lachrymose Police Department isn't far from here."

Klaus, carrying Sunny hurried into the kitchen to join us. He wasn't wearing his glasses.

"Is everything okay?" he asked. "Trouglar?" Sunny said.

I decided to ignore Sunny's speech impediment and said, "Yes. Everything's okay. I was just a bit frightened by the telephone."

"If you'd like, I can tell you a bit about how a phone operates," Klaus offered. "There's a better chance of eating pizza in Lake Lachrymose and not even seeing a leech than being electrocuted."

"And I could take the phone apart," Violet said, "to show you how it works. There's no reason to worry."

"That's okay," I said, realizing Sunny was asleep in Klaus's arms, so I whispered. "You children get some sleep. I'll see you in the morning.

**So, was the leech attack a bit vicious? I hope so. Well, expect another chapter coming to a computer near you!**


	2. Captain Olaf Sham

The next morning, we headed out to the market.

All was well, I gave them the list and they went around, gathering tomatoes, lettuce, beef, etc.

All of a sudden, there was a sudden scream.

I hurried past a few carts and saw Violet, Klaus, and Sunny cowering away from a man wearing a sailor's cap, a black eye patch, and he had a peg leg.

"What's going on, children?" I cried.

"He's back!" Klaus shrieked.

"Count Olaf is back!" Violet cried.

"Venger!" Sunny exclaimed, which probably meant, "He wants to harm us!"

I realized there was no time to comment on Sunny's vocabulary and said, "Sir, what is the meaning of this?"

"I'll get the police!" Violet said, starting away. I stopped her.

"I'm Captain Sham," the man said, giving a little bow.

"No he's not!" Klaus protested. "He's Count Olaf!"

The man gave Klaus a brief scowl, and smiled at me. "I was just on my way to buy some food when I bumped into your sister," Captain Sham said, pointing at Violet.

"Lieurderer!" Sunny hollered.

I blushed. "I'm not her sister," I told the man. "I'm her legal guardian."

"Are you sure?" Captain Sham asked. "You look young enough to be her sister."

I blushed even harder, and the man kept grinning. "Here's my business card," he said, handing a rectangular piece of paper to me. "I own the Captain Sham's Sailboats on the east of Lake Lachrymose."

I noticed a grammatical mistake in his card. When I told it to him, his face contorted from scowl to smile.

He finally said, "Thank you for pointing that out. I'll make a point of it. Well, maybe sometime I can take you four for a boat ride on Lake Lachrymose."

"Ging!" Sunny said.

"No, no, Sunny," I said, frowning at her. "You're not supposed to say, 'ging.' You're supposed to say, 'that sounds lovely.' Well, it's nice to see you Captain Sham."

"You can call me Julio," he said, turning to walk off.

"Aunt Josephine!" Klaus said impatiently, "he's not Captain Sham. He's Count Olaf."

"Ridiculous!" I said. I showed them the business card. "Does it say _Count Olaf's_ Sailboats? No. It says Captain Sham's Sailboats."

"That doesn't mean anything!" Violet cried.

I shook my head. "You said he had a tattoo of an eye on his left ankle, right?" I asked.

They nodded.

"Well, his left leg is a peg leg!"

"He could have just broken his leg and gotten a peg leg!" Klaus argued.

I shook my head again. "Why would a person even as villainous as this Count Olaf intentionally break his leg just to prove he has no tattoo?"

The children argued and protested and pleaded. I couldn't believe it. I wouldn't. But I should have had, which was what led to a lot of trouble.


	3. Sailor Slang and Babysitting Blues

The next day, I found Captain Sham eating a festive Italian meal, sitting on the dock. His peg leg was waving out over the open sea, as we used to say back in my day.

"Captain Sham?" I said.

He leaped off his perch, but quickly descended back onto level. He whirled. "Blow me down! Oh, it's just you, Mrs. Anwhistle."

"You can call me Josephine," I said. "I was going to ask if you had a spare boat I could borrow."

He grinned. "You can call _me _Julio. Whatever for?"

"I need to travel back to the city," I explained. "I need to visit my deceased husband Ike's sister, Clara Belle."

"Sure, in fact, one of these days we could all go out for a boat ride," Captain Sham said crustily as a dry piece of toast. "I have a boat big enough to fit the kids and myself to steer!"

"Oh no," I said, waving my hands. "She isn't particularly fond of kids. And I can't ask you to come with me."

"Oh, blow me down!" Captain Sham exclaimed. "I'd be more than happy to accompany you!"

"No, I mean, I really can't," I said. "Only I am supposed to meet her."

The Captain turned red briefly, then said, "Well, just give you a ride, ya know? Aye-aye, ma' lady! This hawt dogg'll paddle-a-waddle a'-back to the city! How 'bout, Josephine?"

"Well, okay," I said. "I've already run it by the kids. Now I just need someone to watch them."

"Better proposal, ma' lady!" he cried. "My 'ssistant kin row ya, and I'll be a' watchin' the kids! Hot diggity-dog, this ole sailor _loves _kids!"

"Oh, Julio, you're a working man," I said. "I'll just have the neighbors-"

"Neighbors-shmaybors!" Indeed, Sham was quick to the gander but slow to the goose, as my pa used to say.

"I'll watch the chil'ren, Missus Anwhistle! 'Fact, I'll be a' takin' 'em out on a nice li'l boat ride! Teach 'em some sailor principles! Show 'em the _real _meanin' of seafood! Yes _sir_, this ole sailor's got a ripple o' muscle under this flabby bag o' bones! Where _are _the swabbies, anyway?"

That did it. "Julio Sham!" I screeched. "That is _enough! _You're insulting the children!"

"Here, here, Missus!" he said. "_Swabbie _is just a sailor term for 'kid.' Nuttin to it, nuttin to it a' all."

I thought it over. "Well, all right," I said. "I'll notify them first."

I walked home and found the Baudelaires sitting and playing some game.

"Children?" I said. They looked up. "Oh, hello Aunt Josephine," they said.

"You know how I told you I'll be gone a few days?" I asked. They nodded.

"Well, Captain Sham will be watching you," I said. They were completely shocked.

"Aunt Josephine, he's _Count Olaf!" _Klaus cried. "Now Klaus," I scolded. "Just because you don't like him very much doesn't mean you should call him names."

"It's true, Aunt Josephine," Violet said, picking up Sunny. "Please don't make us stay with him."

"Why, children," I said. "It seems like he has plenty of great ideas for your time together. He'll take you on a boat ride; he'll feed you good shrimp-"

"Sefupoiso!" Sunny said. Violet translated it to be, "With poison mixed in!"

"Now, Sunny," I said. "Why would he want to poison you?"

"He's tried to in the past," Klaus said. "He could have," Violet said. "We almost didn't eat the oatmeal he gave us."

"Because you thought it was _poisoned?" _I asked, horrified.

They all nodded. "Barygoo," Sunny said. Klaus translated it into, "But the raspberries weren't that bad."

"You kids can't always have bad first impressions of people," I said.

"We've had _three _bad first impressions of him!" Violet cried. "Please, _please _don't make us stay with him!"

"Children, you're staying with him and that's _final!" _I announced sharply.

Klaus started backing away, until he bumped a small table. He pulled out a drawer and drew a poniard.

I gasped. It was the honorary poniard Ike had been awarded in VFD almost twenty years ago.

"Put that down, Klaus," I said. Klaus stared at me, blue eyes paled. Violet nudged his arm. "Klaus, put that back," she said.

He dropped it, and the doorbell rang. I answered it.

Captain Sham stood at the door, a grim look on his face.

"Julio, whatever is the matter?" I asked.

"I've been called away for the next week," he said grimly. "Oh, then the kids, I'll just-take them with me," I said.

The kids smiled. Captain Sham didn't.


End file.
